From the Greek meaning 'heavy with wine'
A blog devoted to science and reason
Written after a glass or two of Pinot Noir.

Saturday, January 5, 2013

The Cure for Constipation

Lest the reader thinks I am obsessing by having two posts in a row dealing with feces or that I have a desire to use all the available synonyms for feces, the timing of these two posts is merely a coincidence.

I came across QuantumMAN™: World's First Downloadable Medicine.  One of the products he sells is QLax™, a purported medical treatment for constipation.  His "radical new technology" is based on the concept that
The entire universe including the human body and disease that afflicts it operates according to the principles of quantum physics.
OK.  Ernest Rutherford said, "All science is either physics or stamp collecting." On those days when I am feeling terribly arrogant, I agree with Rutherford.  So where does QuantumMAN™ go from here?
Chemical based laxatives do not operate according to those principles and, as such, are not compatible with human physiology…
CREDIT: www.zazzle.com
Wait a minute.  Didn't he just claim the entire universe operates by quantum principles? Chemistry is somehow exempt?  Let's leave this puzzler for more pressing issues.
To solve a quantum problem you must offer a quantum treatment within a quantum operating system. Therefore, ZAG, the private humanitarian medical research group that employs QuantumMAN™, has developed the ideal quantum laxative branded QLax™. Derived from extreme advances in quantum computing, QLax™ consists of "Portal Access Keys™" (PAKs™) downloaded to your personal computer, smartphone or tablet. Accessing these PAKs™ allows your brain to quantumly receive (upload) QLax™'s master programs. QuantumMAN™ is the personification of this quantum data. When uploaded, QLax™ provides thousands of physiologic directives to your brain to program it to provide the corrective measures required to relieve your constipation without any possibility of adverse side effects no matter how long QLax™ is used. Due to repeater programs imbedded in its data, QLax™ allows delivery of its physiologic directives automatically several times a day for 24 hours with just one PAK™ dose. For extremely stubborn cases, more than PAK™ dose can be uploaded at a time without concern of any adverse side effects. ZAG guarantees your complete satisfaction for 30 days from date of purchase or your money is refunded.
For only $5, you can download 25 PAKs™ to your computer, smartphone, or tablet, and then your brain will upload - I mean, quantumly receive the program.  I do love the fact that if I'm still constipated after a month, I can get my $5 back.  Somehow after a month I think I might have more to worry about than the money.

Who's responsible for the amazing breakthrough in quantum medicine?
The Z├╝rich Alpine Group (ZAG) is a private humanitarian medical research group of scientists and physicians working cooperatively and quietly around the world in the quest to improve the quality, efficacy and costs of medical care.
ZAG understands that quantum problems require a quantum solution and has found a way to transfer bioinformation from its quantum computer via quantum teleportation to the brain, also a quantum computer, to reprogram the brain to effect positive medical changes within the body and mind.
Why haven't we heard of this group and it marvelous products?
ZAG has quietly cultivated these phenomena and deliberately avoided scientific publication of its work until the intended release of its collaborative QuantumMANsite website.
ZAG has shunned reporting its research and trials in the traditional medical literature because it believes this venue is heavily influenced by Big Pharma and politics. 
They report they have conducted clinical trials in order to test their products efficacy and safety, but what is strange is that when you go to the Clinical Trials section of the website, you find no data.  All you find is audio recordings of twelve so-called participants.

What other incredible (from the Latin in- meaning 'not', and credere meaning 'believe') products are available?  If you don't know what's ailing you, there's QDr™ Tricorder Plus.  Star Trek fans take note.

Then there's QFood™, the solution to starvation.
The person will not be hungry and/or feel deprived or experience cravings if instructions are properly followed. For 10 days at a time, one set of QFood™ downloads will provide satiation and sufficient quantum nourishment that the person will thrive and not be at risk of dying due to starvation. 
There are even products for the bedroom.  Know what I mean.  Nudge nudge. Wink, wink.  Say no more.  Heaven's Gate™, QBX™, TigerTail™, HEjuvenate™, SHEjuvenate™, QHE™, and QSHE™.

CREDIT: unknown

What is it a duck, quantum or otherwise, says? 

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